I have a dream inside my head, and I think it is ovulating.


I have a dream about writing a blog.

I am starting out my day with this blog entry and I am even going to publish it if it is a piece of shit. I have tried writing since the beginning of the year, and I have run up against so many barriers.

I lost some of my initial enthusiasm when I learned that blogging isn’t as “Plug and Play” as I thought it would    here were many platforms to choose from, and like any internet research it can be hard to keep your moving in the right direction progress

 some kind of barrier keeping me from publishing. I have written different pieces and they are there in the archives because there is

 I am going to go crazy if I can’t get this party started. I spend so much time thinking of things I want to write about and I am not doing anything else that I need to do. I fell into a deep funk for a while when I couldn’t get my schedule to support what I wanted to do with my blog. I wanted to write at the same time everyday, and I wanted to support my spirit and write when the muse was upon me. Well, that didn’t work out that great because the time of day when I feel all moonstruck and want to write, is the same time that the kids all want to be noisy and have friends over.

I tried making myself write in the morning because it was quiet. But that is the time of day I always visit my social network. I get up in the morning and sit in front of the computer and I enjoyed my time on Facebook immensely. I actually did laugh right out loud more than once, many many times. So I made a rule that I could not go on Facebook until I had a handle on this . Well I grieved for my Facebook followers. I missed the support and attention they fed me when they liked my posts. I wasn’t able to replace the attention I got for my status posts with the new blog, and I also felt a high level of anxiety about “people” reading my crappy writing.

Yesterday two thinks happened for me. I realized that I had made many changes in my life aimed at getting this blog started. I have made internal adjustments, I have made external adjustments, and I have changed many things about my life, in the past five years, all aimed at fulfilling my dream of writing a blog.

My dream is to write as much as I want about as many different subjects as I want in whatever style I want until I have written every story inside me and shared them with the world. I have only just been kind to myself because I have also been working for years and years and years to be able to write at all. I have a learning disability in the area of personal expression, so I want to write about lots of exciting ideas, but I have a very hard time doing it. Getting thoughts on paper paper was once impossible for me. I have made new channels in my mind so that I can use the typewriter instead of a pen and paper I have studied and meditated and typed and changed my own little brain. I have changed my brain so I can write this blog. So let me write it I say.

So yesterday I learned that I have been building things towards an end and even if that end is still out of sight I can feel reassured because I am growing up from my beginnings.

I guess I will mature differently into a tree, since I did not grow from seed, but from a graft. Someday we will only see the new tree growing from my own strong trunk and roots but a new and different tree reaching towards the sky.

I always learn things differently. I mull things over in the hidden recesses of my mind and then they kind of wiggle up from the earth for me to find like night crawlers from the nether reaches of my thoughts.

I do not want to write from the ground. I want to write from the sky. I love to sit in the chambers of the wind and let the ideas travel through me. I need to transfer my joy from thinking into my joy from writing. I am so happpy that I have sat and done a little today. I hope I do more.

I think I want to tell you dear Linda Lou is that we have permission for lift off, the wormhole has been created, fourteen wizards have read the sacred scrolls

.Every blog post is a huge effort. I know this. Just do it so we can get stronger, like a bird learning to fly, not like riding an bicycle.

I need to have these new habits trained into my routine. So they are now part of my routine.  I need to be respectful of this work because it is the work of my spirit. My spirit feels hurt when I do not get to write and follow my stories. 

So many of the choices I have made to get this far were ” One of ” choices. I don’t have to make them again.

 I can just keep progressing. 

Experiencing mindfulness through WordPress. 

My blog about being a Gestalt learner.

March 29, 2015


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